Take Me To Post Comment Form An elderly gentleman married 46 years sat at the bedside of his wife, holding her hand in his, as she slipped away. A younger woman, in her mid 40s, wept over her dying husband. And very recently I watched the face of my elderly father in law as he stoically listened to the eulogy of my mother in law, his companion of 60 years. All were forced into widowhood.

Facing the loss of a spouse is one of the most stressful events in one’s life. Before the introduction of hospice care in the United States in 1972, American society did not openly speak of death and dying. We still, typically, deny the need to express grief and the pain that accompanies such a great loss. And often friends and loved ones, particularly after the rituals are over, want the widow’s adjustment to come quickly. The death of a spouse evokes a universal response of sleeplessness, loneliness, fear and sadness. The mundane reminders that everyday life has radically changed can trigger painful emotions. Noticing that the food in the fridge doesn’t disappear as fast or the strange sound of quiet can be a pointed reminder that a spouse is gone.

Even if a marriage was not ideal, the deceased spouse, often times, was an anchor. Loss of that anchor is no less devastating than it would be for someone with a good marriage. According to several studies over recent years, gender and age of the surviving spouse makes a difference in their primary fears and needs after the death, as well as the likelihood of a healthy transition.
The grief of women, after the death of their husband, is complicated by their worry about economic survival, whereas men, more often, are concerned about taking care of daily tasks alone. Aside from family support, women have been found to take advantage of a wider range of support systems. For example, women mostly perceive their work as a major coping strategy during their transition to widowhood. However, men less often seek out or perceive emotional support from their workplace. Older women, more often than not, seek emotional support from their church and neighbors. Men, on the other hand, are less likely to seek out support when the rituals are over and they are less likely to embrace offers of assistance; even when they desperately need it. Elderly men are at the greatest risk for not achieving a healthy transition. Loneliness and depression, often and unfortunately, prevail.

When a mate is lost, not only hopes and dreams evaporate, but a whole way of living and relating to the world vanishes, leaving the living partner with the daunting task of rebuilding their world. We all know a friend, work colleague, neighbor or an acquaintance that has faced the death of their spouse over the last year or so. Let’s reach out. Make that phone call, send that card or drop by to say “I care.